Dear NPCs,
It seems to me, Biden has taken just about as much as he is going to, from us. We insist on cooking our meat, driving to work and heating our homes… and he won’t stand for it anymore. Who do we think we are? The globe could burst into flames, any moment, freezing us to death where we stand. Dumping plant food into the atmosphere must be stopped. We owe it to the plants. Moreover, our insistence on a standard of living that approaches that of the elite, is infuriating to them. Why be an elite if your standard of living is not orders of magnitude better than the grazing masses? Us grazing masses then, need to realize our place is not in a heated home, eating cooked food and dressed in new clothes. Our place is where the elite want us… living in projects, eating raw bugs, and wearing used underwear.
I bet many people reading this have the audacity to cook your food. Many with gas stoves even! Who do you think you are? An elite? Obviously, we would never begrudge the elite the very best food, prepared by the best chefs, cooked on gas stoves… because of all the tireless work they do on our behalf. Saving the world from us for example. Many elites find their wagu beef not as delicious, knowing that you or I could probably someday save up, and buy some. In fact the thought is repulsive to them. So, clearly, we have to stop eating beef altogether, to make the elite feel more comfortable when they eat grilled chateau briand. I, for one, am excited to try the new culinary delights our elites have in mind for us, like pond scum, garden slugs and fire ants.
Do you drive to work, then that makes you a villain. The elite love the world so much, they are willing to fly private jets across the planet to a global warming conference in Davos, so why are we so unwilling to do our part? All we have to do is tighten our belts a little more, go without the luxuries, like eating… so the elite can loosen their belts. They find any constraint claustrophobic. Let’s face it, wouldn’t you be more healthy if you rode a bicycle to work and back? What is a few hours on a bike before work, and a cold shower after, so you can do business with people… when it could save the planet for the elite? Walking is even better. Why use the steel, energy and petroleum to manufacture a bicycle, when we could simply walk to work? That’s why we need 15 minute cities.
Imagine it, some people heat their homes in the winter, basically spitting in the face of the planet. Others cool theirs in summer! If you are not an elite, it’s immoral for you to feel any comfort, whatsoever. The elites have deemed it. Just think of the plant food we could keep out of the air if you went cold all winter? Obviously you would have to drain your water lines. Another bonus! Without heat, and water, your carbon footprint will be the size of a tweety bird’s. Freeing up all that energy so an elite can fly to the Place Saint-Germain-Des-Pres, Paris, for lunch, and then to the French Laundry in California, for dinner. Your sacrifice could save the planet. Just buy some lice infected used long underwear, coats, and blankets. Invest in some buckets too, to replace the water-less bathroom.
Let’s face it, we have to be stepped on, else we will destroy the planet before the nukes can fly. As in George Orwell’s Animal Farm, the elites are like the hogs, and we’re like the horse. Our part is to work ourselves to death, for the hogs, so they can make our lives better. Our elites epitomize the porcine persona. Their fondness of the planet and us, forces them to oppress us, for our own good. If they didn’t terrible things could happen. Children might grow up and have families, the human standard of living could rise to who knows what heights, and worse of all, the lack of oppression would enrich the poorest to eat wagu beef, drive a suburban or eat lunch in Paris. I don’t blame Biden and the elites, us hoi polloi have got way out of hand with our luxuries, like running water… so the elite have to reign us in.
Sarcastically,
John Pepin
