Dear Friends,
It seems to me, whenever someone says anything, it is possible to take it many ways… and most of us choose the wrong way. This can be comical, as when Bevis and Butthead get worked up when someone says entertain us, or when Jed Clampett was told he was a millionaire, and didn’t know how to take it. Most often we see this when someone says something innocuous and it is taken as a great insult. Usually as a way to start a fight instead of communicate. Which brings us to another way we mishear each other, by assuming rather than clearing up. It becomes diabolical when this is exploited, as when someone intentionally takes another out of context, or changes the context of another’s words. This is done to defraud, manipulate or exploit someone… and not the person taken out of context.
Language itself is a sub optimal means of communication. There was an ancient Chinese philosopher, Kung Sung Lung, who made the argument that a white horse is not a horse, but a black or yellow one is. Using the hierarchy of attributes he proved, linguistically, that a white horse is not a horse, thus proving that language is an insufficient way to communicate. The hierarchy of attributes is a ladder that every definition is built upon. You are a thing, then an animal thing, then a human animal thing, this is a hierarchy of attributes. Much further down you may have long hair or short hair, but we cannot define your humanity away by your hairstyle, that would be absurd, it is much lower down on the hierarchy of attributes. So, mix up the hierarchy, as in a white horse, and communication is compromised.
When we intentionally mishear another we are intentionally not communicating. Many times we do this because we don’t want to address the issue raised, we change the subject and get mad at something else, so we don’t have to. This gives the person changing the subject a lever on the other, the apparent anger, with which to redirect the conversation to attack rather than communicate. Politics is one arena where this is done. It is also the narcissist’s favorite tool in their toolkit of misdirection, perpetual anger and denigration. No matter who does it or why it is done, intentionally hearing something other than what we all know the speaker is saying, is a form of fraud. It is a lie some tell to get the upper hand in a battle… when communication is what is called for.
Often we mishear another, then rant on about it making an enemy, when we would have been better served to have made a friend. This happens because we understand the world in the context of our own narration. When we hear something that appears to fit in a certain box, we put it there, without burning a calorie thinking about what the speaker really meant. It is very efficient but not the ideal. It leads to people talking past each other, generates emotion where it is not appropriate, blinds us to whole lines of logic that touch our third rail, and channelizes our thinking in a way that closes possibilities to us. The way to keep from this is when we feel that emotional demon rising, ask why we are reacting that way, and what did the person really mean. Nine times out of ten they didn’t mean what you heard.
Every good thing in your life was made possible by other people. That is manifested by our ability to communicate. Thus, if we want more goods in our lives, it is common sense to foster true communication whenever we can. In our personal relations, in our public interactions and use our critical thinking when listening to speakers and debates. Watch for speakers mixing up the hierarchy of attributes, emotion where it is not appropriate, and especially intentional mishearing. We like to think we don’t really matter, many of us don’t even vote, but you do really matter, your voice is powerful… it calls reality into being. Your interactions mold that reality into good or bad. So, try hard to actually communicate when talking, and bring good into the world.
Sincerely,
John Pepin
